I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
