So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
