My liver just broke up with me...
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
We need a shit load of segways right now
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
