So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
