omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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