It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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