I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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