I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
