how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
