My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
