I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
