I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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