I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
