He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
