doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
