Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
