I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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