My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
