craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
