He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
