So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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