i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
