WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
