Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
