we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
