What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
