sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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