Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize