I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I cockslap morals
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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