I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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