i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
