seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
