On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
