my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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