I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
