I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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