We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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