Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
