I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
