so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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