sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
