Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
