I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
