Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
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He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
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oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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