Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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