Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
