he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
