I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
