I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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