So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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