Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
