My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Randomize
