Your face is a jimmy john
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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