Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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