3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
