is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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