I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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