Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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