Little spoons don't ask big questions
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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