There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
