He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
